Dr. Gottman states that 69% of a married couples’ problems are perpetual, which means that they can’t be solved and will continuously be brought up in fights or be fought over. Strong marriages learn how to deal with these differences while other marriages let them build up into insurmountable issues that eventually lead to divorce. How can we determine what problems are perpetual vs solvable? How can we learn to see past the perpetual problems and not let them build into larger issues? Luckily Dr. Gottman has some pretty good Ideas.
A few ways to tell if a problem is perpetual instead of solvable is a solvable problem will feel less painful, gut-wrenching or intense than a perpetual one. It is a situational conflict that doesn’t overflow into other parts of your lives. An example from my life of a solvable problem is similar to the one he gives in his book. While driving my wife and I fight about directions, speed or lack of speed, and the amount of aggressiveness we each find appropriate. This only happens while driving and it never carries over into the rest of our lives and has usually turned into less of a fight and more of a game when we are in the right moods. A perpetual problem can be identified by problems ending in grid-lock with neither spouse being willing to budge on their points of view. Every time the argument comes up it will get worse and each of you will feel like you need to dig in deeper. This can start to introduce the four horsemen and cause bigger issues with your marriage.
How can we manage these unsolvable issues before they get out of hand and lead to divorce? The keys outlined by Dr. Gottman are to make sure you are first, listening to your partners negative feeling instead of ignoring them or feeling attacked by them. Second, remember that no one is right, both sides are subjective. Third is believing that the other person understands, respects, and accept them for who they are. If they don’t believe that it will feel like they are being attacked which will lead to them digging into their side even more. Fourth and final is focusing on your fondness and admiration of your spouse. If you find your self in a perpetual argument sometimes the best thing to do is take a step back and remember how much you love the other person and that there is a good chance that the argument isn’t worth losing your relationship over.
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